Off The Wagon

I lasted exactly 48 hours before falling off the wagon and putting myself on yet another diet.

This one more stringent and punitive than ever.

Don't worry I knew this was coming. This isn't my first time at the rodeo, I've attempted to quit dieting in the past: After reading when women stop hating their bodies some 15 years ago, then, after re-reading the same book 5 years after that;

After watching Oprah, upon her interview with Geneen Roth, declare never to diet again;

And years later, upon reading Women, Food, and God for myself.  All of these events would bring about my own end to dieting but each attempt would prove extremely short-lived.

It's safe to say I know the routine. Girl meets puberty and begins a life long journey of self-hatred and counting calories. Girl smartens up, reads one of many anti-diet, love your body as it is books and spends the next 24 hours in a blissful, never-diet-again, nirvana-like state. Then, something happens: Girl steps on scale; or, catches sight of her fat ass in a store window; or, glimpses People Magazine's half their size issue in grocery store check out line.  And she realizes two things: 1, she is in fact " too fat " (for what I'm not sure) and 2, she has no scope with which to to measure her success in life besides the size of her ass and so she freaks out and runs screaming back to the security of a diet (any diet) so fast it would make your head spin.

I've been there before.

Many, many times.

And I'm back there now.  I restarted Weight Watchers two days ago.  Well, I kind of restarted the program.  I found a website that provides Weight Watchers' Points Plus calculators for free. That's a step in the right direction right?  At least I'm steadfast in my refusal NOT to shell out another red cent for any weight loss program. 

But I know what a hypocrite I must seem.  Here I am, trying like hell to love my body as is and encourage you to do the same and...I didn't even make it a whole week. 

I'm right back on the diet roller coaster once again.

But what's different this time is you.

I'm not hiding all this bullshit anymore. I'm going to blog it all, tell it all right here. Open myself up and let you glimpse every fucked up corner of my life, including, hell, especially, my in the toilet body image.

I  hope you won't judge me too harshly.